Your leg bounces trying to keep your mind
occupied on something else.
It bounces up, down to the beat
your heart makes when it becomes
overloaded with stories, possibilities, made up every minute.
Thump, thump, thump-
What if everyone laughs, their chuckles and snickers appearing in the air like a superhero comic, thump
What if everyone judges you,
their watchful eyes glimpsing every move, their quiet ears finding
every voice crack- up, down
What if you mess it all up, seeing the blurring lines of a mistake as you read- thump
What if they see the internal battle raging constantly inside,
realizing that you’re not the perfect person they thought you were, the person
you should be.
What if…what if, up, down, thump
You can feel the rush of blood in your veins as you step
in front of the roomful of people,
their eyes like hot irons, burning into you as you read the first line.
The spike of your heart as adrenaline makes its appearance,
you’ve never had an energy drink but you can imagine this
is the rush your heart feels.
The tiny shake that starts
in your arms and travels down to your fingertips.
The slight quivering resembling a kid on a sugar rush.
Your stomach starts to curl and your
face tingles, making you aware of the beet red blush
spreading across your cheekbones.
Stop.
3 deep breaths.
One.
Two.
Three.
Restart.
Hi, my name is Breanna Van Laar.
I am sixteen years old and I live
here in Kingsburg with my
Mom, Dad, and three sisters.
I am a lover of sunsets after a long warm evening
and seashell collecting at the beach
on a bright sunny day.
And I know some of you recognize
what I was describing earlier.
Anxiety.
A monster of the mind,
controlling my thoughts and ideas
until I’ve worked myself sick.
I know it believes that it’s helping me,
but truthfully, it runs me ragged.
I like to think of him as Mr. Anxiety.
Bright orangey-yellow purposely distracting, catching my eye.
Wild and crazy, everywhere at once.
Fast as a strike of lightning, quick as a sly footed fox.
Snatching different thoughts and situations like he’s wearing a VR set.
That first part is when Mr. Anxiety
jumped up
turning on my overactive imagination,
like a power switch,
after hearing I’ll have to present this to you all.
This isn’t his only appearance.
It seems as I get older
the more he comes around,
flipping his little switch
anytime he realizes peoples eyes will
be trained on me,
watching me,
judging me.
He travels to my softball games,
my own personal critique viewing the field
through my eyes like a video game.
His greedy fingers already reaching towards the switch
after every small glance at coach,
after pitches and pitches fly by,
making my thoughts fly by too.
Always with me,
watching me grow up
making me panic when change comes,
as I watch leaf after leaf drift from that same Japanese Maple
sitting in our front yard,
like no time had passed yet somehow it's 2025.
Maybe that’s why I hate
change even though it’s constantly
happening as I pass mark after mark on the wall.
Those marks suddenly looking closer to scratches prisoners
carve on the walls of their confinements
rather than a large wooden measuring tape nailed to the wall in Grammy D’s kitchen
that a little girl stands in front of, her beaming smile showing a missing front tooth
after she just hit 4 foot 2.
Because he appears like a toxic friend, giving me insight
of what friends or people might
think, say, do
once they see that difference, that change.
Making me nervous of how they may now act or think of me.
However now instead of focusing on potential possibilities
and letting anxiety constantly consume me,
I find peace in prayer,
finding myself opening the old brown leather book,
eyes skimming over 1 Peter 5:7
“Cast all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you.”
--Breanna V., 9th-12th Grade