Growing up, you weren’t my person of comfort. You were the person I feared. The thought of hearing your screams and insults makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Makes me want to dig a hole and hide till the monster is gone. You were the monster I feared. A monster that had the same face as me. Yet, a monster whose eyes were a void of dullness and whose body was nothing but a shell. A monster who lays flat under the bed and waits for me to check under my bed to attack. You would tell me I wasn’t allowed to be anything less than perfect. I was told to be the best.
Growing up a grade defined me. Anything below an A was a failure to you. You told me not to cry. To save my tears for another day. I couldn’t ask for help. You pushed me off when I had a question. I wasn’t allowed to be anything less than your perfect daughter. I wasn’t allowed to be just a kid. I was an adult in a kid's body.
Growing up you bragged to your friends about me. Put me on display like a new trophy on your shelf. Out of all the trophies in your collection, I was the biggest one. Not one single soccer trophy shined as bright as I did. All the trophies and medals you won by simply attending stand on display but I walk around with you for display. My awards and medals are hidden and locked away. Only come out on display when you want to show off. Over 50 of my awards are in your closet, accumulating dust and withering away. You would brag about how I was at the top of my class, saying I was your right arm. Your friends and family congratulated you on my success. Remember on my 8th-grade graduation when I got valedictorian and you took the spotlight? You claimed it was your work. That you were the one behind my success. Your friends took me as a “role model” for their children. Yet, where is my role model? You were supposed to be my role model who hid in a palace made out of beer cans.
Growing up, you were there but weren’t. You were only there when I wasn’t perfect or when I did something wrong. Remember when you found me in my room with the cord wrapped around my neck? You didn’t even bother to take it off me. It was my brother who stepped up. Remember what I did when I saw you? I begged for your forgiveness. I didn’t even think of myself. I was worried you’d get me in trouble, which you did. You told me I would never make it in the real world, but look at me now. I’m a bird who has been set free from a cage, yet there’s still a rope attached to me. Freedom is supposed to be free, but fear is holding me back. The bird can only fly so high till the tugging of the rope and its gasps for air stop it from flying. I will be a free bird chirping and singing of joy as I fly high through the sky.
You were like a dog in the darkness; you dug and dug till the hole was too big for a dog like you to handle. Not only that, but like a dog, you kept barking and growling till I was afraid and ran away. You’re a dog who leaves your pups to fend for themselves and never returns.
Growing up, I searched for the love you didn’t give me. Boys right and left like day and night. That was till I met him. Isaac. The only person who has shown me more love in a little under a year than you ever did. He showed me more love than you ever could. Maybe that’s why you hate him so much. He reminds you how you failed me. He’s more of a man than you ever were. He showed me more than love. He showed me you weren’t a dad but more of a stranger who lived with me. A stranger who for 15 years never bothered to say anything but insults and stupid comments that play over and over in my head like a broken CD. He showed that “love” shouldn’t be fear.
I'm not scared of him. I wasn’t afraid he would hurt me like you hurt me. I’m not scared that a grade or a letter defined his view of me. In fact, he tells me he’s proud regardless of my grade. He’s like my guardian angel. I told you AP World History was a hard class and I couldn’t do it. You told me, “Go away. I’m not arguing with you”. He told me he was proud of me. Told me he knows I work hard and that he loves me regardless. Remember when I attempted and you got mad at me? He texted me all day and night to make sure I was safe. He cared more than you ever did. Is that why you hate him? Because he plays a bigger role in my life than you?
I’m not scared to hide my tears from him. Instead, he holds me in his arms as I cry and worry. You push me off. Like a monster who caught me and ate my skin. After you tossed my bones to the side to eventually be forgotten. You’re the reason I cry to him. I can ask him for help without having to worry that he will tell me, “Figure it out. Don’t bother me. I don’t care.”
Remember when I told you what YOUR cousin did to me? Remember how you told me, “Well, maybe if you cover up, it wouldn’t happen.” I was wearing leggings and a t-shirt. How was I the problem? I was NINE. I still panic just remembering what happened. There are nights where I can’t sleep because YOU failed me. Nights where I can’t even look at myself because I see nothing but a little girl who just wanted her dad to protect her. A little girl who still hears and remembers the events that happened. Want me to tell you what Isaac does in those nights? He comforts me and assures me that I’m not the problem. He holds me when I panic at school because of those horrible memories. All this because YOU failed me.
I’m not scared he’ll reject me when I ask him to hang out. I’m not scared he will be mad if I ask him for money. Remember that book you said was too much? He didn’t even hesitate to buy it for me. Remember all those times I asked you for lunch money and you refused? He was the one who fed me when that was your job. Remember how on MY birthday you took mom and your favorite to eat at MY favorite restaurant? Remember how you were mad at the fact that I was upset because you allowed the kids to touch my cake before anyone even sang to me? Remember how you almost allowed them to blow out my candles? He was the one who made my special day special. He was the one who got me my birthday gifts. He was the one who made sure it was a good birthday. For once, it was good to feel special on MY day. How many birthdays have you ruined? Nearly every single one.
I’m not scared to ask him if he loves me because he does. He doesn’t make me feel like a trophy on display. If anything, he makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Like a person. He has shown me what it means to be human. He has shown me my value.
Growing up, all I wanted was a father who cared and protected me. I did nothing to deserve this treatment from you. I just needed a father's love. You can stay there and keep hurting me, but he will take the broken pieces and complete the puzzle you destroyed. I don’t need you. You need me.
-Gabriela L., 9th-12th Grade