But how can I?
When the pressure of being perfect
Consumes me entirely day and night
I’ve been following this role all my life
I have never not shown up
Exhausted and tired I do
But the pride overwhelms me
I have this thing
Where I have to be the best
At whatever I propose myself
Not for me but for them
My family who has sacrificed
Similarly day and night
For a brighter future
For their child
And when I am not the best
I beat myself up for it
“Porque no puedes ser inteligente como ellas?”*
Do better, I say
I then pass this stress on to my siblings
I am always the eldest influence, never myself
It’s not that I’m not appreciative
Only I wish I was more
The fear of failure
“Necesitas que mejorar esos grados”*
Is what pushes me daily
It never changes
Always the caretaker
Always the mother
Always the oldest
Always the second choice
Never pure
Never “descansa”*
Never enough
I am the eldest influence, never me
I got used to it now
--Catherine B., 9th-12th Grade
“Ya duermete Mija” - Go to sleep, honey
“Porque no puedes ser inteligente como ellas?” - Why can’t you be as smart as them? “Necesitas que mejorar esos grados”* - I need to better my grades
“descansa” - Rest