I was born October 30th 2008
Yes i'm sorry I know you know
But does he?
Is he aware of how old I am
Does he realize
I turn 18 next year
Does he even see how badly I want to hug him
Does he know how badly I want to stop greeting him with a hand shake
Because everytime I go in for a hug
I get stopped by a knife to my heart
Knowing i'll never be able to hug him “Hola” “como estas” “bien”
Out of his whole vocabulary
Those are the only 4 words I hear from him every 2 months or so and sometimes I can't help but wish it was from his heart every month or every week
That wonders why her dad won't
Communicate with her
Now No wonder I can't help but feel communication is most important in every relationship you tell me “The phone works both ways”
But he has never not once asked for his own daughters phone number
When I was little I thought he'd be a better father but seeing how he is now
I know I'll never get the father I desire him to be
“Just quit” or “shut up”
Knowing I try to talk to you
But get hung up on every single time I'm not sad though
I have the grandpa I need you to be
But that's not the same
Sometimes what twists the knife more in my heart is seeing my sister with her dad going out for ice cream or even just a simple hug she gets every time she gets picked up from school
Because everytime I catch a glimpse of them
I think to myself how my life COULD'VE been
Without beer
Without drugs
Without generational mental illnesses
Without anger
I don't see him and I
I see you and I
Because I know you were more of a father than he was
Because everytime I needed something you would get it for me
And it might've been because you never had a daughter of your own but that really meant the world to me
You were there
Not him
While he was a total ghost
And though God mightve had this plan for me I ask why
Why couldn't he give me gold, a goat
Gum Grapes or a Guitar at least
Something id like Something id enjoy from time to time
Because all I can think is how he is
And compare with how you are
Because no matter what
“The phone works both ways”
So I would like to try I would like to try to be to him what a drugs were to him because
I can sting but it'll pass because the pain to him is just a little shot
Yet after I sting him Ill be dying of anguish
Waiting for a hand to help me up
But so many people hate bees that they walk right by me
Except you
You helped me up and helped me keep my head
Because I had already stung my victim
But I had done no damage whats so ever
To getting a reaction out of him
Any other reaction at all other than that boring face that looks like he'd rather be someplace else than here
Sometimes I try to talk to little me knowing I can't do anything to help her with her emotions that she'll feel
But I can't help but go through my memories on my phone knowing it shouldn't have started nor ended like this
--Carmen G., 6th-8th Grade