to act on poetic inspiration
and fear
that my potential is being wasted
tortured by my overactive imagination
and the finitude of my existence
i yearn for my art
as therapy
communicating the state of my psyche
to free my mind
and calm my soul
i must remember
amidst such psychological torment
imprisoned by the unintentional realization of subconscious desires
that suffering
is only suffering
if i do indeed suffer
and meaning
is to be found
in the depths of such misery
as soon as i awake
the torment begins
suppressed romantic desire
quickly surfaces
and seems to never end
any effort to stay occupied
through personal pursuits
feels like a desperate attempt to escape
an endless procession of suffocating longing
as vivid fantasies
hijack my conscious awareness
in response,
i instinctually suppress my natural desires
which only furthers the madness
soon after,
feelings of inadequacy
interject these fantasies
as i am reminded of everything i have yet to accomplish
a painfully insurmountable number of hours
weeks
months
wasted.
sacrificed at the feet of my most crippling addictions
as i navigate my daily tasks
my mind alternates
between this excruciatingly painful grieving process,
continuous romantic fantasy,
and the constant temptation
to surrender my will to the seductive lure of hedonistic escapism
allocating my attention
to any important
or beneficial task
such an exceedingly difficult endeavor
as is typically the case,
i eventually reach a point of
tentative surrender
allowing some substance
or psychological dependence
to have its way
and, begrudgingly
i allow myself to appreciate
this moment of temporary peace
and remember
that all good things must come to an end.
--Brennan Z., Adult