ceaseless state of limbo and my concurrent psychic torment

frequently i fail (or refuse) 
to act on poetic inspiration 
and fear 
that my potential is being wasted 

tortured by my overactive imagination 
and the finitude of my existence 
i yearn for my art 
as therapy 
communicating the state of my psyche 
to free my mind 
and calm my soul 

i must remember
amidst such psychological torment 
imprisoned by the unintentional realization of subconscious desires 
that suffering 
is only suffering 
if i do indeed suffer 
and meaning 
is to be found 
in the depths of such misery

as soon as i awake 
the torment begins 
suppressed romantic desire
quickly surfaces 
and seems to never end 

any effort to stay occupied 
through personal pursuits 
feels like a desperate attempt to escape 
an endless procession of suffocating longing 
as vivid fantasies 
hijack my conscious awareness

in response, 
i instinctually suppress my natural desires 
which only furthers the madness 

soon after, 
feelings of inadequacy 
interject these fantasies 
as i am reminded of everything i have yet to accomplish 
a painfully insurmountable number of hours 
sacrificed at the feet of my most crippling addictions 

as i navigate my daily tasks 
my mind alternates 
between this excruciatingly painful grieving process, 
continuous romantic fantasy, 
and the constant temptation 
to surrender my will to the seductive lure of hedonistic escapism 

allocating my attention 
to any important 
or beneficial task 
such an exceedingly difficult endeavor 

as is typically the case, 
i eventually reach a point of 
tentative surrender 
allowing some substance 
or psychological dependence 
to have its way 

and, begrudgingly 
i allow myself to appreciate 
this moment of temporary peace 
and remember 
that all good things must come to an end.

--Brennan Z., Adult