It eats your pretty body alive
Until there is nothing pretty left of you at all…
I was angry at you
Every Time you went back to your addiction
It felt as if you never cared
As I grew older I had an understanding of what addiction was like
And how it had an effect on you: How it made you act.
How it defined you as a mother
You were supposed to shelter that stuff from me
Instead I knew about drugs at a young age
They are like a craving for a candy you can’t get enough of
I knew why my parents were so absent even though they were in the same room as me
Drugs ruined my life and I wasn't even the one taking them
There is one thing I will truly never understand about addiction–
Why? Why would you put something harmful in your body in the first place?
I'm so angry at you
How you left again without a goodbye, This time it was physical not mental
How you forgot about the little promises you made
How my cousins talk about you being a mother figure to them
But you couldn't even be one to your own kids
How you forgot about my birthday when you were the one who gave birth to me
How you would get mine and my sisters voice mixed up when we were completely different
From what I remember Foster care became home
Trying to find a mother and a father figure in my foster parents I had.
I was in and out of foster care moving from place to place
from two all the way from sixteen
I tell everyone I have 2 moms and 2 dads
Not any step parents, just my foster parents and my birth parents
My foster parents took care of me prior to foster care
They took care of me when you could not do it
They gave me a home, a family to love
They gave me hope. A reason to live
They gave me a mom and a dad a family that i can rely on
It took 16 years for me to find a family to love
A family that treats me right and gives me everything I can ask for
I try to forgive you but mainly forgive myself
For treating you the way I did
Every two weeks
you would call me from the hospital
Telling me you were gonna die
it hurt me how much you talked about death
You talked about death like you were a crumbled up
Piece of paper that had no life to live
always warning me to plan your funeral
Instead out of anger i told you it would be better if you had died
December 18 2023 at 3:05pm
You died
Taking a piece of my heart with you
Ever since you’ve been gone
I try to remember the little things
Like listening to your favorite song
Or wearing your favorite scent
But in the end I am forgiving you
I am forgiving you for that little girl
who wanted nothing more than a mother
who could love her in all the ways
other girl’s mommy would love them
I am forgiving you because she needed you
i needed you and you weren’t there
I am forgiving you so I can finally
grieve the mother I lost long before ash

--Angelica B., 9th-12th Grade

Library note:
If you or someone you know has a problem with addiction please seek help: please call the the National Drug Abuse Hotline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or if you need to speak with someone: call the Grief Support hotline at 1-650-321-5272.