Wrinkled and bleary-eyed
Full of hopes and dreams
(Mine, not his own)
Thrived
First steps late
but he has never been on anyone else’s schedule
Grew, platinum curls that he hated
having brush against his ears
There’s something wrong
People would say
He’s slow. He’s different. He’s --
There’s something wrong
People would say
He’s slow. He’s different. He’s --
MINE. HE’S MINE. HE’S PERFECT!
Teach me how to forgive
All of the people
Who tried to exorcise
Non-existent demons
From my frightened child
Who laid their hands out and
Prayed over a little boy who
Hated being touched
Who interpreted his panicked screams
As spirits leaving his body
Teach me how to forgive
All of the people
Who tried to exorcise
Non-existent demons
From my frightened child
Who laid their hands out and
Prayed over a little boy who
Hated being touched
Who interpreted his panicked screams
As spirits leaving his body
Who told me that I was a bad Mother
because children are all the same
He is not the same!
He is Mine.
Angry and unstable and manic and
Loving and perfect and
He is Mine.
Angry and unstable and manic and
Loving and perfect and
Mine
14 years of Doctors and
Therapists and tests and
The sharp sound of paper being
Ripped off of prescription pads
Horseback riding and
Art projects and
Shattered windows
The disorientation
of the everyday
Covering his eyes
When something was too loud
Walking into doors
With hands over his ears
When something was too loud
Walking into doors
With hands over his ears
Because his signals are crossed and
the sunlight hurts too much
to watch where he’s going
Imitating sirens that he
Was simultaneously terrified by
Lining up toys according to color
Spinning with them
Flapping and jumping and
Bolting out the door into
Parking lots because it’s too
Hard to think straight when
The world is overwhelming you again
Was simultaneously terrified by
Lining up toys according to color
Spinning with them
Flapping and jumping and
Bolting out the door into
Parking lots because it’s too
Hard to think straight when
The world is overwhelming you again
Emergency room visits
Suspicious glances
They’re studying my face.
Look them in the eye.
They think I did this to him.
They’re going to call CPS.
They’re going to take him.
They can’t take him. He’s Mine.
I can’t breathe!
STAY CALM.
Desperation and defeat
Crying
In the car
In the dark
In the kitchen
Begging a god that
I never got anywhere with
They’re studying my face.
Look them in the eye.
They think I did this to him.
They’re going to call CPS.
They’re going to take him.
They can’t take him. He’s Mine.
I can’t breathe!
STAY CALM.
Desperation and defeat
Crying
In the car
In the dark
In the kitchen
Begging a god that
I never got anywhere with
To take all of the outbursts
and rage
and seizures
and sensitivity
And make them my burden
and sensitivity
And make them my burden
Too much energy spent on
Learning how to wear
A smile that I don’t identify with
On having an unwavering reply
At the ready
How are you guys doing?
Drowning.
Barely able to get through the days.
I have nothing left to give.
I need you to see me. See him.
See how much we need help.
Somebody please just help us.
How are you guys doing?
Drowning.
Barely able to get through the days.
I have nothing left to give.
I need you to see me. See him.
See how much we need help.
Somebody please just help us.
“We’re doing well! Yours?”
Holding back the anger and
The jealousy and the tears
Holding back the anger and
The jealousy and the tears
When you tell me how
hard life is for you because
your Honor Roll students
have such busy schedules and
You don’t get to have dinner together as often as you’d like
He is 14 years old and
He is stunning and
He is Mine
And I wish he knew
How hard that I have worked
To move mountains for him
How much sweat and sleep and tears
I have given up as a sacrifice
He is stunning and
He is Mine
And I wish he knew
How hard that I have worked
To move mountains for him
How much sweat and sleep and tears
I have given up as a sacrifice
How I would do it all again
I learned how to remove the
Stitches from my child’s body
Wrists and legs and ankles and
There will be more
And we should go in for a follow-up
But I spent our copay on
Anti-psychotics
So hop up on the table and
Hold still while I pull the thread out
He sleeps next to me while I sneak
Traces of his face and arms
Grazing his skin with my fingertips
He flinches during the waking hours
I will never touch his thoughts
His incredible brain
Is a maze full of tripwires
And I am imperfect and heavy-handed
Depression
Mine, not his own
Maybe both of ours
(Like mother, like son?)
I shut down
I pushed everyone out
Emotions are only relevant if you
Choose to entertain them
Apathetic is no way
To live but
The only way
To survive
Admitting to the heartbreak and
The weight of having a child
Who is afforded no space
In an unrelenting society
Is staggering
And yet I will carry him forever
Through this world and
The next
Through Death
As he screams
“Mommy! Save me!”
From miniscule
Quasi-threats
That only he can see but
I will still turn the earth on its side
To rescue him from a shower head
Or a butterfly needle or
An imagined injustice
He is in my bones
He is etched onto my soul
I spend too much
Time calculating
Punnett Squares in my brain
Is this my fault?
Genotypes and chromosomes
And why couldn’t he have just
Genotypes and chromosomes
And why couldn’t he have just
Inherited my eye color instead?
What kind of mother gifts
Her son mental illness?
Happy birthday
And you read this and think
That I am too tired
That I don’t want to go on
But it is the opposite
I fight and claw and
Bleed and get back up
He deserves nothing
Less than that from the
Person who catapulted
Him into this mess
I don’t want your pity
I want you to see
Him on his worst days and
Still choose to love him and
Give him space and
Give him another chance
More chances than you
Think he deserves
Do not give up on him
He is more than this
He is so much more than his meltdowns
It is my fault
Hate me instead
He arrived unwillingly
Without knowledge
Of what I was getting him into
Be gentle with him
Happy birthday
And you read this and think
That I am too tired
That I don’t want to go on
But it is the opposite
I fight and claw and
Bleed and get back up
He deserves nothing
Less than that from the
Person who catapulted
Him into this mess
I don’t want your pity
I want you to see
Him on his worst days and
Still choose to love him and
Give him space and
Give him another chance
More chances than you
Think he deserves
Do not give up on him
He is more than this
He is so much more than his meltdowns
It is my fault
Hate me instead
He arrived unwillingly
Without knowledge
Of what I was getting him into
Be gentle with him
He is perfect
He is Mine.
--Ashley H., Adult
--Ashley H., Adult