Ray of Light

I just heard “positive”, and I am in total shock. One word that changed my world in a second. Perhaps I did not hear well, and I ask again to confirm. The nurse looks at me with great compassion and the result is confirmed. I look at her terrified. I can feel my hands trembling and my legs starting to hurt. 

I am pregnant , my daughter will soon arrive. I can feel the contractions getting stronger one at a time. I am positive for Covid and immensely afraid. Will my baby be born alive or with her eyes closed? I start shivering, I do not know if I am cold, or my mind and heart are playing tricks on me. I am confused and too shocked to understand. I know that my anxiety I must control. I am numb, as I know what the nurse is about to say. She looks in the direction where my husband is seated, he will not witness the birth of our daughter. The nurse tells him the Covid restrictions while I feel that I am dying inside. My tears start rolling down as I sob my goodbye to the love of my life. 

In the darkness I stand alone, soon my baby will arrive and there I stand with just my soul. All alone, still like the statue of liberty, that stands in the cold without the freedom to move or feel. The room is quiet and calm, but my mind and heart are debating whether I should stay or run away. I want to yell; I just want to bend down and cry. Why? How? Who is it to blame? I will deliver my baby all alone. This is not the way I had planned it to happen, for sure I know. 

Time passes and the pain is getting worse. My consolation is only knowing that I have my phone. I know that I can call my husband, my mom, or maybe my best friend. With great deception and resentment, I decide that this I will handle with great strength, so I adjust my gown. With great sorrow I place my hand over my belly and start to pray. I never imagined this moment would be so lonely and dark. I cannot believe all that is happening in such little time. I had seen this moment in my dreams, so many times, so full of light. With my fingertips I caress my belly again and scold myself, it is not just my gown that I should adjust. In this I am alone and my emotions I must control. 

The silence is interrupted by the beeping of my baby’s monitor. It brings me down to reality; her heart is so tiny, but her light brings me immense brightness. She is the light with which I had dreamed innumerable times. A light that keeps me all firm and strong. With great sadness but great strength, I hope for the best. For a moment, my pain turns to happiness, I start to dream, I gather my strength to slowly stand up and start to dance to rock and roll. Music is engraved in my heart, why not teach my baby some early moves? This will add magic to the moment making me imagine each coming contraction as a thundering music note. I keep dancing and praying so that our God protects us both. Prayer and rock and roll, I can see that I am not so lonely after all. Time is coming and I know that her beautiful face I will soon caress.

--Mariana A., Adult