White Water

Dear Lord, My God of the Most High
To honor and glorify
My Lord is a task I do not hold well
The weight trembles my arms and buckles my knees
As my mind keeps visiting Hell
And I make it back into the light, but now I’m infested with fleas
I bounce between both constantly, as we all often do
But never stay long in either one, so it seems I just can’t choose
My heart and soul belong with God in His Kingdom, standing in His light
So why is it that I continue on with this internal fight
For I have been walking with You and learning from You as life lives in each word that comes from Your mouth
But then in sudden chaotic fits I’m thrown off course in just one blink and my path is rerouted south
Like white water you warned me about, and I hit it at full speed
And I’m thrown from your raft and into the deadly stream
With the water, floats away, my peace and tranquility
My love, happiness and focus are all lost too
And if I’m being honest, so goes my faith in You
But it is so embarrassing to admit that the hard faith stays
While the personal faith floats away
Because being thrusted into Hell’s icey stream does not erase who You are
I have faith that you are God of resurrection, Healer and Savior of them all
No, it’s the faith in You that You can change me, that You want to save me
That You even desire to embrace me
That goes floating down the stream
And I question who I am in You and if I can really be cleaned
My mind goes straight to Hell and I know Satan’s telling me lies
But what hurts the most is knowing the truth and not willing to cut ties
Old habits rear their ugly heads and now I’m swimming with them
I hear Your voice call “Get back in the boat” and I know it’s the right thing to do
Your life guards are following me along the bank, ready to grab me, my hand I just have to open
But the real truth is I like the stream, and I know that hurts You
I tremble at the thought of telling You No
And consciously I would never let You go
But the stream water I grew use to real fast, as it is the sin I was born in, lived in and have known
And You are calling me to a new home
The stream is easy, it moves, I float, but eventually I know it will kill me
But You say “Get in the boat” and You will heal me
But healing is the most painful stage of a wound
So I presume
Stay in the white water
No, it’s not fun anymore, and I’m growing tired
I wounder if Your mercy is really so great that You even bare to have patience with somebody like me
Who knows enough to be much more useful to Your kingdom, but instead I am frivolously tying up resources
And still needing more than I am giving
For Lord, I know my selfishness will eventually come to a head, as I have been here before
But Lord I’d love to spare the theatrics and just swim to shore
Lord I am having trouble walking away from what I know is death
Then You tell me, “Look down at your chest” For there has been a life vest holding my head up and He has been with me this entire time
When the raft hit white water and I was tossed in, surely I should have died.
And there has been a helmet on my head to block out Satan’s lies
Yes, I fell in, but I have not been alone
His mercy really is so great, He fully intended on bringing me home
I might be tired and ashamed and soaking wet, but I’m getting back into that raft
God has planted a faith and love inside me that will last
He tells me, “Child, do not stay in that water that wants to devour you into the earth. Won’t you remember exactly how much you are worth?”
“I will clean you, heal you, and we will pick off all these fleas. Yes you did choose sin, but now you choose Me!”
“I never left you, never forgot you, we were never going to just move on. I told you, you are mine, you cannot run.”
“For there is no place My love can’t find you, and there is no battle My army won’t fight for you”
“And now that you’ve seen again and again just what I am willing to do for you, won’t you do the same for those who fell in too?” “Won’t you work hard for My Name’s sake. That not a single willing soul will stay stuck in this lake.”

--Lindsey S., Guest