We Are Free

When I was younger
we closed doors
that weren't meant to be closed yet,
We locked those demons up
along with unanswered questions
Like a mystery
or maybe just you and me not wanting to accept the true reality.

I remember nights with empty beer cans you passed out to intoxicated to move, moments later loud vomiting you stumbleing to the toilet, dad holding your long beautiful hair out of your face, me running to grab you water and coming back watching dad pick you up from the bathroom floor helping you to bed just to watch you do it all over agin.

We act
Like we weren't the child or parent that lived there once before.
I go back and open doors,
That's how I make peace
So that my spirit can move on because those shadows still swallow me.

The long nights of slured sentences and angry out lashes of rage and sudden sadness flowing with tears and regret is what follows me in the shawdows of pain, those late night fights and constant vomiting sounds in the room next to mine was the sound of terror complete nightmare because me being so scared if you were going to wonder into my room next and attack me while i was laying there.

I needed you to catch me,
I was so weak,
Heavy breathing,
Too scared to sleep,
Losing weight,
Hard to eat,
Deeply depressed,
I’d rather be dead.
I needed you
To catch me
as these demons kept coming after me.

You had demons that messed with your head, one night you were crying so loudly i entered yours and dads room only to see you sitting there on your bathroom floor with razor blade marks down your arm covered with blood because you were deeply depressed, I didnt understand just yet.

I couldn't defeat the horrible things that man once did,
But I needed you more
than anything to catch me.

You were silent, blank with no words, no comfort as a mother, no security to help protect me, thats what i needed and begged only in silence wanting to be heard, I needed you to be sober but you chased that bacardi gold and brandy with a the equalizer Methamphetamine to burry your demons so you could sleep while mine continued after me with no sleep no peace to breathe they kept taunting me.

There is no end
to this love, even though
We traveled dark shallow roads
Feeling there's no hope
we made it through
until the sunrise came up.

I remember the day you finally said you needed to go get help it was time you you couldnt take it no more our relationship was at an end, you took the leap into the deep end but you swam from the bottom up, seeing you week after week was beautiful I got to see the transformation of the dark and ugly become so beautiful and clean your face began to have a sparkle so much healthier and clearer you did it you got clean and sober after all those years.

walking hand in hand
I’d do it again
because our love
is not meant to be broken
it will forever remain solid just like the first time you saw me,
our love will remain the same just like the day you gave me
my name.

Let there be no regrets
we are stronger
you are better now
you have grown into the perfect flower
better late than never,
because we wouldn't be this story
you listen to me read
piece by piece.

you say you regret all of the things
you have did
mainly the times you started at 6 a.m
until your body hit the bed,
spinning rooms
and constant vomit
year after year
until you about had it.

I tell you don't have regrets
beautiful you made it
with just those 12 steps
I forgive you
so let's walk
step by step

because its not over just yet
as we both know recovering addicts
don't just end with the 12 step chip

We got this,
we have closed doors
you have gotten the strength
to catch me,
there is no end
to this mother daughter bonding
so please accept it all with me so your spirit can be set free
we can both travle peacefully now that we accept this reality of you and me

Let there be no regrets
let's continue forward with these steps we have stepped
we are free
from what we feel is hauntining,
we can shut those doors
now we are the mother an daughter
we both worked so hard for

Its been eight years since your last beer and many more years to come only from here on forward, but with us and all of your beautiful grandchildren we will all forever keep pushing you to never return back there.

We are set free!

--Dashia J.