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Inside of a Broken Mind

It’s hard to keep going knowing that you won’t be there when I need a shoulder to lean on. We never really did talk about anything in person or even just hugged without watching behind our backs. Thinking of you with another girl always tore me to shreds. I could barely focus on what’s happening in front of me. And it takes a long time for me to get back on my feet. I tell myself in the beginning of everyday that I will get over you. That I will forget my feelings towards you. But no matter how hard I try, my last thought of the day is you. I try to keep up with the life I’m living but, having you in my head makes me feel different inside. Like having adrenaline flowing through my veins. Everyday I see you spending your time with another girl. Making her laugh, making her smile, making her feel special. And whenever your around me, I feel like that too but, I also have a feeling it’s just the way you are. Just the way you make people feel inside. It’s not on purpose. I’m not special to you, and I don’t think I ever was. Because I tried so hard to to tell myself, “He said he loves me right? So, I’m going to believe that.” But, everyday I felt like I was invisible to you. Everyday I saw you give every girl the attention they wanted. Except me, which I know is not your fault. How would you know that your actions were crushing someone that cared for you so much? More than she cared for herself. To everyone else, she was so special. She was important,every time they saw her laugh or smile, it made them feel good inside. But, the only person she ever wanted to have them feel good inside, was you. And she thought she was doing that but, she was wrong. On her side of the story, she felt like she was letting you down. Or more like letting herself down for having you get so close her. Having you being her last thought of the day. You putting a smile on her face, when she felt so alone. You made her feel special, but whenever she took that for granted, she lost control of herself. And she began to have trust issues. Where it was hard for her to trust someone that she loved or cared for. She thought that showing them the love and kindness they didn’t deserve, would maybe reflect her actions towards herself. But, those plans never really worked. After every time she tried, every time she loved someone, they didn’t reflect what she did for them. They never showed her the love and kindness she deserved. And even though you might have done it in your own way. Giving her little presents every now an them. Trying to show your affection to the girl you said you love. But, she never really saw past that. Sure, she felt your affection for a split second, but after that split second, she felt unimportant where she couldn’t make up her mind about her emotions. She loved you, yes. I loved you. But, after everyday on the bus, everyday at school, everyday at program, she would cry herself to sleep. Because she thought she wasn’t good enough. And she thought that’s what you felt inside, too. And that’s what broke her... What broke me.

--Angelina A., 7th-8th Grade