We were under no circumstances allowed to be together.
I was allowed to look at you but reaching for your hand was forbidden.
You could come to my house but it was considered a criminal act for us to be left alone.
I broke every rule and somehow didn’t end up with what I wanted.
I was desperate and grasping at straws in an attempt to keep you around.
By giving you everything possible and breaking my own morals I thought you would stay.
There were many things you did wrong but they were outnumbered by the things you did right.
My vision was blurred to the point where I couldn’t see that you were poisoning me.
When I finally began to realize what you were doing to me I couldn’t bring myself to rid of you.
With every moment you would spend by me I knew I should send you away.
Though with every inch that you got closer to me the more I longed for your touch.
Eventually, I convinced myself you’d gone too far and ended it the easiest way I could manage.
It was a day where you couldn’t give me a moment of time.
Yet you expected me to give you all of mine.
As I moved on I couldn’t help but taste your kiss on my lips as I was with other guys.
I would look at, smile for, and love them.
Though all the while I would be thinking about you.
I would close my eyes trying to block out the thoughts of you and fail.
As I would sit awake at night pretending to mourn what I lost.
When I know I never owned it, to begin with.
I hadn’t seen you for months and when I finally did I was hyper-aware of your movements.
Every sound you made terrified me as I knew I would fall for you again if I gave in.
I refused to talk not because I didn’t know what to say.
However, what I wanted to say would bring tears to my eyes.
As I knew those words shouldn’t be said.
Though I managed to convince myself anyway.
I told you I still cared; I told you, you were important to me.
Yet somehow you didn’t understand.
You told me; if I cared about you why didn't I show it?
You’re asking me a question about how I feel towards you…
It’s giving me the urge to apologize for something that’s not my fault.
When I know I’m not required to.
Now can I ask you about how you feel for me?
As well as ask you some other questions that I need to have answered before moving forward.
How am I supposed to show an emotion that I’m not allowed to have?
How do I explain to you that I still care without letting everyone else know I’m breaking rules?
Every time I see you this all makes me want to run away.
Though all I want is you by my side...
-- Cailyn S., 9th-12th Grade